on being a mom
23 weeks; 6 December 2011
… one of the scariest things in the world to me.
Honestly, I have never pictured myself being a Mom. Most girls grow up having dreamt about their wedding day, walking down the isle, their dress, their future husband, their family, their first pregnancy, the arrival of their first born. I never dreamt this… Never thought I would be married, let alone be pregnant. Seems so strange!
I am now pregnant, not because I ached for it but because I knew that I could not live my life not knowing my own children… I was never crazy about the idea, very selfish of me I admit; all I knew was that kids cost money and were loads of effort. I don’t know the joys… I have not been there. Yet, I knew deep in my heart I couldn’t live without trying to have children, or raising them. It just feels right, right now.
I WANT to experience YOU and be joyous with you!
You are here now. What a blessing. I always marvelled at the art of creation. Pregnant women always amazed me. How is it possible for two people to create something so perfect, so vulnerable. I never believed I would be honoured with the gift of carrying my own child. My own flesh and blood. My heart really goes out to the many women who cannot experience what I am right now. It is so very precious!
I have this insane fear of loss which I guess is normal yet this reality has struck my nearest and dearest. Being half way through my pregnancy I am well aware that the chances of our Munchkin making it to term are all for us yet there is still this niggle in the back of my mind… I cannot help it, it must be normal. I think the thoughts and feeling of motherhood will only really surface when I actually hold my child in my arms.
So… of course there is the room preparation and all the gorgeous baby things; the oooohhhs and aaaaahhhs – I think we get so caught up in the material things and totally forget about the reality. A baby, that needs constant attention and care, that you are TOTALLY responsible for, for the rest of your life! Ouch, aint that scary. Looking after myself is hard enough!
